Parenting

Parenting is Lifelong Learning

Becoming a wiser parent may not be your primary goal for entering therapy, but it is a goal worth considering. The authors of the powerful book Parenting from the Inside Out, Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell, state: “science has shown that history will likely repeat itself, as negative patterns of family interactions are passed down through the generations.” Most of us come to realize that we all inevitably re-create all kinds of interactions from the past with our children, even when we resolve not to. Parenting “from the inside out” means parenting from a perspective of self-awareness and self-knowledge. Because psychotherapy is focused on just this sort of inner growth, one benefit of therapy is that when parents engage with sincerity in their own therapeutic process, the fruits are passed on to their children.

I am not a parent educator but parenting is a subject that comes up in therapy. More importantly, I have been moved and at times awed by the ways personal growth in the course of individual psychotherapy positively affects the quality of parenting in my clients who are parents. Quite often, these clients become able to apply their new insights and emotional abilities in how they handle situations with their children well before they can even comfortably apply these new attitudes to their relationship with themselves. Putting together how your childhood experiences have shaped your emotional world and understanding your own attachment history and patterns, creates and promotes a self-awareness that can transform how you relate to your children. This is a great reason for being in therapy.

“Parenting is an opportunity for lifelong learning. Children offer us the chance to be in a relationship that encourages us to deepen our connections with others and with ourselves. We want to be the best parent we can be. Even if our own experiences did not provide us with the childhood we would want for our own children, we are not destined to repeat the past. By making sense of our own childhoods, we have the opportunity to bring mindfulness to our experiences and choice to our daily interactions with our children. When we become free of the baggage of the past, we can live more fully with a flexible sense of fresh anticipation and spontaneity.”

DANIEL SIEGEL M.D. and MARY HARTZELL M.D. in
Parenting from the Inside Out:
How a Deeper Self Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive.